We Hate Hollywood

Since this is our first Halloween on the Internets, we wanted to do the requisite list of our favorite horror films.  Keep in mind this is not what we think are the best ones…just our personal favorites.  From a pure film-making standpoint, I consider The Exorcist one of the best horror films ever made.  But it’s not a personal favorite.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said “Where there is no imagination there is no horror.”  So here’s a look at where our imaginations have taken us.  What are your favorites?

John Tsao (admittedly not a horror fan)

Personally, I don’t like watching horror movies…I just hate to think about that stuff at night.  But if i have to pick, these are the ones that scared me the most.

5. The Omen (1976) - This was the first horror movie I watched when Ii was a kid, but Ii cannot tell you what the movie is about now maybe because I tried to block it out.  All I can remember is the kid’s face and 666.  I only watched this movie once with my family.   My dad didn’t know what it was, took us to it, and scared the shit out of his children.

4. Jaws (1975) - I think this is considered horror.  This is one movie that scared me to death.  After watching it, I didn’t go swimming in Hong Kong for a year even though there was a nice sandy beach only 5 min from my house. [Paul's comments - You bet it's considered horror.  Horror is really anything that taps into those primal areas of fear.  Roger Ebert said "We're instinctively afraid of natural things (snakes, barking dogs, the dark) but have to be taught to fear walking into traffic or touching an electrical wire. Horror films that tap into our hard-wired instinctive fears probe a deeper place than movies with more sophisticated threats. A villain is only an actor, but a shark is more than a shark. "]

3.  Jeepers Creepers (2001) - After a long time of not watching horror movies, this is the first one I watched.  I don’t think it is so scary, but the sound makes me jump out of my seat many times.

2.  The Ring (2002) - For some reason, the original Japanese version doesn’t do it for me.  Maybe I was too busy reading the subtitle than enjoying the horror of the movie.  I don’t really like  any asian horror movies since they are always the same. ..people with white pale faces and long wet hair.  They are so played out, but it is nice and rare to see Hollywood make this better. [Paul's comments - I agree that there are a lot of similarities in Asian film, but I still think that there are many that stand out.  Ju-on: The Grudge, Shutter, Three... Extremes, A Tale of Two Sisters, Audition (*shudder*), Pulse (although it can't decide what kind of movie it wants to be), etc.  And I hate American remakes, but I'm actually in agreement with John...the American version was better].

1. The Food of the Gods (1976) -  This is a movie about giant rats eating people which explains why I am afraid of and hate rats.  Kids should not watch these kinds of movie when they are so young.  It stays with you all your life.  I know if people watch this now, this movie sucks but back in 1976 this was really scary to a boy. [Paul's comments - This wasn't John's experience, but I'm amazed when parents let young children watch a scary movie (something like A Nightmare on Elm Street) and say "Ehh they can handle it".  Huh?  You can't possibly know that for sure.]

Alex Vasquez-Cariaga

(It must be noted that Alex wanted to put Glitter on his list)

5.  Psycho (1960) - Hitchcock does wonders with one memorable killing scene. Norman is such a creepy bastard to boot.

4.  Scream (1996) - Breathed new life in a dead genre. Not that much has improved since then but still a good horror film.

3.  Jaws (1975) - A Great White shark eating people…I didn’t want to go in the water just like the movie intended.

2.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - A very well done movie INSPIRED by a real life cannibal.

1.  A Nightmare on Elm Street - A guy in a pedo sweater burned alive comes back from the dead to kill the children of Elm Street in their dreams.  Freddie’s bladed gloves have become trademark like Michael Myers mask or Jason’s goalie mask. [Paul's comments - Or John Travolta's dreadlocks in Battlefield Earth]

Paul Chinn

5.  Evil Dead 2 (1987) - A terrific blend of horror and humor.  Where else do you see a protagonist forced to cut off his hand because it’s been taken over by an evil force, battle it, and finally put it under a trashcan with a pile of books on top?  Oh and the top book is Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms.

4.  Jacob’s Ladder (1990) - Trippy psychological horror film that follows a man (Tim Robbins) who is bouncing back and forth between three different time lines after he is wounded in Vietnam.  The film’s main theme is summed up beautifully by Louie (Danny Aiello) - “So, if you’re frightened of dying and… and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.”

3.  The Orphanage (2007) - I’ve covered this one in a recent Hidden Gem.

2.  Alien (1979) - This film moves at a snail’s pace but is never boring.  Dark, moody, deeply frightening, and it still holds up strong after 30 years.

1. John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) - For someone who hates most remakes, it’s a bit ironic that my favorite is a remake.  However, Carpenter’s vision is light years better than the 1951 original.  If I ever come across this on TV, I will always finish it.  Bloody.  Gory.  Riveting.  Terrifying.  Claustrophobic.  Timeless. It also has one of the best damn scores ever.

Directed by Juan Antonio Bayona
Written by Sergio G. Sánchez
Starring Geraldine Chaplin, Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep, Mabel Rivera, Edgar Vivar
Rated R for mild violence, mild profanity, and kids in creepy masks.

In the Halloween edition of Hidden Gems , we started out in Mexico/Spain (production companies are in both countries), went to South Korea, over to Thailand, and now we return to Mexico/Spain.  The common link here is Guillermo del Toro, the director of The Devil’s Backbone, who helped produce El Orfanato and essentially put it on the map.  Sánchez finished the script in 1996.  He wanted to direct the film but was turned down by several production companies.  He took the script to Bayona.  Bayona loved it but wanted to make some changes which would make it necessary to increase the budget and filming time.  So he went to his good friend del Toro, and the rest is cinematic history.

The film premiered at the Cannes Film Festival in May of 2007.  When it was over, the audience gave an ovation that lasted for ten minutes.  In Spain, the film won 14 Goya Awards including Best Picture.  So what’s the big deal?

I first saw The Orphanage about a year ago.  As soon as it was over, I decided it was simply one of the best horror films I’d ever seen.  I know we all have our nostalgia picks for various films, but sometimes a new one comes along that is legitimately heads above the rest.

The film is set in Spain at an orphanage for special-needs children.  Laura (Belén Rueda) grew up in this orphanage but now, she has moved there with her husband Carlos (Fernando Cayo), and their seven-year-old , Simón (Roger Príncep) who is also adopted but doesn’t know it of course.  Simón is also sick.  He has HIV, and is being treated.  One night, Laura goes into his room to see him talking to invisible friends.  Laura plays it off as typical child fantasies.  Then while exploring a cave one day, she finds Simón talking to another invisible friend…this one is named Tomás.  Simon confides in Laura that he has six invisible friends.

I’ve said before that atmosphere and mood are critical components of horror.  If you don’t have that, your film falls on its face fast.  The Orphanage knocks it out of the park in this respect.  It creaks, squeaks, groans, drips, and moans.  The slowly moving camera.  The score.  The impeccable pacing.  There is no formula for this…you just know it when you experience it.

The mood of the film is also enhanced by a terrific performance from Roger Príncep.  In one key scene, he is telling his mom things that he couldn’t possibly know about himself.  The discussion leads to his invisible friends and mortality.

Laura: Will you be like Peter Pan?
Simón:  Like my new friends.
Laura: They won’t grow up either?
Simón:  They can’t.

Of course, this is a ghost story, and there are unavoidable similarities that you’ll find in most of them.  The Orphanage has some of these threads but it completely transcends the typical ghost story and adds some terrifying anxiety.  Not long after the above discussion, Simón disappears, and the film also becomes a frantic search for a little boy.  During this search, Laura begins to see and hear some very strange things, and seeks the help of a medium.  Belén Rueda absolutely shines in this role as a beautiful, loving woman with the ferocious spirit of a tiger fighting to protect her cubs.

It’s hard to go into too much detail without ruining this film, but this is one deeply spooky movie.  The orphanage holds some dark secrets (as these places usually do) that Laura must uncover.  The fear isn’t that sticky, syrupy kind that stays with you for days making you feel like you need a shower.  It’s that in-the-moment freakiness that makes you realize you probably need to change your underwear when it’s over. But at the same time, the film is sweet and tender.  Like The Devil’s Backbone, it left me emotional but even more so.  The film is a devastating and affecting journey (especially the very last frame) that will scare the hell out of you along the way.  This is a real treat that you must see if you have any interest in this genre.

Below is the trailer which gives a terrific feel for the film without ruining it.  Ignore the cheesy voice-over.

Directed by Mira Nair
Written by Ronald Bass, Anna Hamilton Phelan
Starring Hilary Swank, Richard Gere, Ewan McGregor, Christopher Eccleston, Mia Wasikowska
Rated PG
Rating - 2 bullet holes

To say that Amelia Earhart was ahead of her time is an understatement.  She was a fiercely independent woman in a male dominated and discriminating society.  Her country had only ratified the Nineteenth Amendment when she was 23.  She was passionate about freedom.  Freedom in love, freedom in spirit, and freedom in choosing a career path that was fresh territory for women.  Hilary Swank does an adequate job in capturing the spirit of Earhart, and that’s the main problem with the film.  It’s just adequate.

Richard Gere plays George Putnam, Amelia’s publicist, publisher, and eventual husband.  Gere is much better in his role as an ambitious capitalist with sometimes questionable ethics.  But, he does have a good heart.  He has a heavily vested interest in Amelia’s success, but his love for her is not in question.  His jealously of Gene Vidal (Ewan McGregor), founder of TWA, is palpable as Earhart enters into business with him, followed by a brief affair.

But one of the biggest problems with the film is the lack of chemistry between Swank and Gere.  My wife assured me I was not alone in this feeling.  The lack of chemistry between the leads of a film can sink it.  This was also one of the big problems I had with The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

A storytelling method I appreciated about the film is the way that it intercuts her final flight with other glimpses of her life.  The story begins with Earheart departing Miami on June 1, 1937 with navigator Fred Noonan.  We then see her in Kansas as a little girl.  A dreamer.  An achiever.  As the film progresses, we come back in short bursts to see her over Africa, Pakistan, etc on that final doomed flight.

I was surprised at how disinterested the film seems to be with aviation.  Most of the flying scenes are not that exhilarating, and the use of a green screen is a little too obvious at times.  I felt the exact opposite about Martin Scorsese’s The Aviator.  That flying scenes in that film were exuberant and kinetic.  Amelia just seems to go through the motions.  Adequate.

Probably the film’s greatest strength is the way that it handles the final moments of Amelia’s attempt to fly around the world in her heavily loaded Electra.  On the way across the Pacific, the only place suitable place for refueling was  Howland Island, a small flat patch of land 6,500 feet long and 1,600 feet wide.  The film effectively recounts these final moments -  her communication attempts with the Itasca, and the increasingly sober countenance that falls across Earhart’s face as she realizes her predicament.  There is a lot of mystery surrounding her disappearance, but I believe the most obvious answer is what the film shows.  Amazing that over 70 years ago, a breakdown of technology was most likely what led to that mission’s failure and loss of life.

Between the closing scenes of the film and the credits, we are shown stock footage of Earhart.  Some of this footage is available on YouTube and, in my opinion, is infinitely more fascinating than director Mira Nair’s mediocre treatment of a fascinating woman.

Directed by Banjong Pisanthanakun and Parkpoom Wongpoom
Written by Banjong Pisanthanakun, Sopon Sukdapisit, and Parkpoom Wongpoom
Starring Ananda Everingham, Natthaweeranuch Thongmee, and Achita Sikamana
No MPAA rating - violence, disturbing images, sexual content

Hell hath no fury like a woman killed.  Tun (Ananda Everingham) and his girlfriend Jane (Natthaweeranuch Thongmee) learn this lesson after a car accident on the way home from a party one night.  Jane is driving and, in a moment of distraction, hits a young woman.  Seeing her still body on the road behind them, Tun freaks out and screams at Jane to leave the scene.  Drive, Jane, Drive!  See Jane drive away.  Bad Tun bad!  See Tun and Jane haunted mercilessly by a ghost.

You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m not talking about the shitty American Shutter starring Joshua Jackson from 2008.  That film is a remake of this far superior 2004 original from Thailand.  That film was nominated for the 2005 Golden Kinnaree Award for best film at the Bangkok International Film Festival.  That is a big deal.  Thai film is taking off and this film festival was just started in 2003.  Some Hollywood celebrities such as Catherine Deneuve, Jeremy Irons, Michael Douglas, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Christopher Lee, Oliver Stone, Terry Gilliam and Joel Schumacher have even attended the festival.

Shutter is not entirely original.  The film borrows elements from modern Japanese horror classics, chief among them the crazy bitch ghost that lumbers along haltingly with long black hair covering her/its face (see Ringu, Ju-on: The Grudge, and others).  There’s even a creepy scene that takes place in a public bathroom (ala Ju-on).  However, Shutter still carves out its own niche in this genre of eek.  There are some truly creepy moments as Tun and Jane experience nightmares in their sleep and waking hallucinations (or are they?) during the day.  One of the more memorable scenes involves a head of black hair slowly emerging from a sink amidst the red glow of a darkroom.

As you can probably guess from the title, Shutter has a lot to do with photography.  After the hit and run, Tun begins to notice ghostly images he can’t explain in the photos he picks up from the lab.  When Jane is at a photography class at college, the professor explains “…photography does not reproduce reality. It depends on how the image is framed, what is revealed, and what is concealed.”  And there is a lot to be concealed here.  The hit and run brings up an ugly incident from Tun’s past that he has kept from Jane.  It may explain a lot about what is going on with them.

Many good horror films are morality tales packaged in creeps, chills, and thrills.  Shutter is no exception.  Tun is hiding a great sin from his past that goes way beyond the hit and run.  The scenes depicting how he and his friends bullied another human being are disturbing.  Ananda Everingham is very effective as Tun.  Even though he has done a terrible thing in his past (he was more of a bystander who refused to intervene, but what he did is still unforgivable), and has made things worse by becoming party to a hit and run, Everingham still elicits empathy as he deals with extreme regret and guilt.

There is a scene towards the end where a Polaroid is taken.  Shutter is an eerie, moody buildup to what that photo reveals, and it is a fantastic payoff.  If you choose to see the American remake over this one, you need serious counseling.

Directed by Kevin Greutert
Written by Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan
Starring Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Mark Rolston, Peter Outerbridge, Shawnee Smith, Samantha Lemole, Caroline Cave, George Newbern, Darius McCrary, Shauna MacDonald, Devon Bostick, Tanedra Howard
Release Date - Oct 23, 2009

Now that Special Agent Strahm is dead, Detective Hoffman has emerged as the unchallenged successor to Jigsaw’s legacy.  However, when the FBI draws closer to Hoffman, he is forced…seriously why the hell do you people keep paying for this crap?

I used to love the theater-going experience a lot more than I do now. Don’t get me wrong.  When you’re with the right person in the right circumstances, it is still enjoyable.  But the experience these days is rife with problems, not the least of which is cell phone interruptions.

All of us can relate to it.  You’re really invested emotionally into the movie you’re watching, and you’re suddenly pulled out of your world by the incessant ringing - and these days it’s not a normal ring but a song or TV theme or celebrity voice - of a cell phone.  Ok…I can understand that some people may forget to turn theirs off.  It happened to me once years ago, and I wanted to kick my own ass for it.  Since then, I’ve always silenced my ringer or left it in the car.

But sometimes, people are so insufferably rude as to take the call and carry on a conversation.  These people deserve to be beaten with their phone.  At $10/ticket, you have no right contributing to the degradation of the experience of your fellow multiplex comrades.  Shame on you.  Some may complain that they are expecting an important call.  Oh really?  Then don’t go to a movie, genius.

I used to think that theater owners should just grow a set of balls and ban cell phone use.  This would be very hard to enforce.  It would take to long to search people, and it would create a logistical nightmare to have people check their phones in at a desk.  What if we punished people?  If your phone goes off, you have to leave the theater without a refund.  Ehh…not so much.  It doesn’t address the issue of ruining the moment for those that you are leaving behind.

I would like to see cell phone jammers implemented.  France legalized cell-phone jammers in theaters and other performance venues in 2004, but the practice was abandoned due to complaints regarding emergency calls.  Way to stand up and lead the charge, France!

But then there’s the tricky issue of legality.  Cell phone jammers are illegal in most countries, including the United States.  Supporters of the ban cite safety issues.  Huh?  Amazing how this issue basically keeps coming down to the argument of “I may get an emergency call but I have to go to this movie!  Wah wah wah me me me!”

In 2006, the president of the National Association of Theater Owners told a ShoWest audience “I don’t know what’s going on with consumers that they have to talk on phones in the middle of theaters… We will actually petition the Federal Communications (Commission) to remove the block (on jamming cell phones)”.  Exactly.  Of course, we all know how well that petition went over.

Surely, we have the technology to block cell phone signals in theaters without interfering with truly critical communications.  According to howstuffworks.com, France is finalizing technology that will let calls to emergency services go through even when a jammer is being used.

We live in a technological world, but these advances so often seem to be hindered by selfishness and personal agendas.  We can make cell phone jammers work!  Trust me, you’ll be fine not being able to use your phone for 2 hours.  In the meantime, please shut the damn thing off or leave it in the car.

Directed by Spike Jonze
Written by Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers
Starring Catherine Keener, Max Records, Mark Ruffalo, Lauren Ambrose, Chris Cooper, James Gandolfini, Catherine O’Hara, Forest Whitaker
Rated PG
Rating - 3 bullet holes

The book “Where The Wild Things Are” Maurice Sendak is a very popular children’s book that teaches or symbolizes how children deal and learn with feelings most adults struggle with everyday in nine sentences.

Spike Jonze’s rendition of this story does its best to turn those nine sentences into a feature film. The acting done by Max Records as the main character of the same first name and Katherine Keener as the mother are fantastic, though do not expect much for the limited screen time for Keener. The movie is about Max’s struggles with emotion, specifically anger.  The visuals are nailed with the location, cinematography and author approved creature designs created by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. The voice acting by actors such as James Gandolfini and Forrest Whitaker, man, you couldn’t ask for a better setup.

But the movie is so slow with long, boring drawn out situations once Max goes to his imaginative world. The movie spent so much time in sadness and depression that by the time he comes back home to his mother, I’d almost forgotten what he was supposed to learn from all this.  I get the fact that he was supposed to learn how to control anger and find that balance of fear and comfort, but why does it have to be so damn uninteresting?

Directed by F. Gary Gray
Written by Kurt Wimmer
Starring Jamie Foxx, Gerard Butler, Bruce McGill, Colm Meaney, Leslie Bibb, Michael Irby, Regina Hall, Viola Davis
Rated R for profanity and graphic violence
Rating - 2 bullet holes

I must caution you here that if you plan to see this movie and don’t want it spoiled to not read any further.  I am very much against reviews which spoil a film (especially the ones that don’t even warn you first) but simply discussing the plot of this particular film will ruin it to a degree.  The spoilers won’t be egregious, but you’ve been warned.  !!SPOILER ALERT!!  Eject, eject!!

Law Abiding Citizen doesn’t waste any time.  About a minute in, the attack begins, and Clyde Shelton (Gerard Butler) watches helplessly as his wife and daughter are viciously murdered.  The killers are caught, but they were careful enough not to leave any physical evidence.  Nick Rice (Jamie Foxx), the prosecuting attorney, cuts a deal with one of the killers.  Clyde is devastated by this miscarriage of justice, and you know that revenge is on the way because that’s just how these movies go.  You also know because of the trailer.  More on that in a minute.

One thing I admire about the film is the way that it shatters this typical formula that the Hollywood factory regularly concocts.  Usually, we would be rooting for Clyde to kick some ass amidst a shower of sympathy from the audience.  We’d also understand that Nick is a greedy asshole lawyer who is more interested in taking unethical shortcuts to further his career than in being a vessel of justice.

Instead, Nick is presented as an ambitious but good man who is in an impossible situation.  He doesn’t have much choice but to cut a deal with one of the murderers in order to send the other one to death row.  It’s either that or they both walk.  Then, from a distance, Clyde misunderstands a handshake between the murderer and Nick.  Clyde does plan his revenge, yes.  But, his methods of revenge escalate and we soon realize that he is a monster who has decided to make a deadly statement about our broken judicial system while taking many innocent lives away in the process.

There are many problems with the plot.  The attack on Clyde is completely random.  Yet, when you realize what his background is, that randomness begins to strain credibility.

The execution of Clyde’s blueprint for revenge and murder has been in the works for 10 years and is predicated on his arrest and imprisonment.  From prison is where the majority of his murders takes place.  You already know this from the trailer.  I know he’s making a point about cutting deals with murderers and the fragility of justice, but I still don’t quite understand why his imprisonment was necessary.

I don’t believe that film must confine itself to rigid boundaries of realism, but there is such a thing as too much.  Clyde’s plan is so complex, so intricate, and relies on so many variables, that it becomes ridiculous.  With a good 20 minutes left to go in the film, I had disconnected from it.  I got a chuckle when, in retrospect, I realized that Clyde’s entire plan hinged on an engineering issue that is stunningly preposterous.

The film is strongest prior to the big reveal of how Clyde is carrying out his retribution.  The systematic and deliberate attacks against various members of the judicial system are well staged, ably directed, and tense.  One attack involves a cell phone and is so sudden that I wanted to applaud it for the degree to which it caused me to jump.

I really admired Kurt Wimmer’s 2002 film Equilibrium, which he wrote and directed.  As a screenwriter, he has yet to prove himself after a string of disappointments (The Recruit, Ultraviolet, Street Kings).  Director F. Gary Gray certainly has an eye for action scenes and is capable of creating appropriate levels of dread.  But, he has yet to rival his 1998 film The Negotiator.  I’d like to see him do another good comedy.  We haven’t seen one from him since 1995 (Friday).

Now back to that trailer…

The trailer for Law Abiding Citizen creates a serious problem for the viewing experience in that it undermines the tension significantly.  Almost ever single attack that Clyde carries out is in the trailer.  While I admired the way they were setup and the tone that they set, none of it was a surprise.  In fact, one of the images from the trailer (shown in theaters and incessantly on TV) is so iconic that it telegraphs the ending of the film long before it arrives.  But I guess by that point, I didn’t care anymore.

Directed by Nelson McCormick
Written by J.S. Cardone
Starring: Dylan Walsh, Sela Ward, Penn Badgley, Sherry Stringfield, Jon Tenney, Paige Turco, Amber Heard
Release Date - Oct 16, 2009

Actually, I haven’t even seen the original Stepfather starring Terry O’Quinn, but it doesn’t really matter.  This unnecessary remake looks dreadful.  It is formulaic, cookie-cutter, PG-13 nonsense.  I only bring up the rating because this is another tragic flaw Hollywood makes over and over and over and over and over and over and over.  They take an R-rated classic (some people love the original Stepfather) and water it down to a PG-13 in hopes of  drawing the large teen and tween crowds.  Most of the time, they still bomb.  Do the executives at the studios making these decisions even have high school diplomas?

Dylan Walsh looks amazingly dull in the lead.  Seems like a no-brainer that your primary villain has to actually be someone that exudes creepiness and menace.

In talking about the tension he tries to create in his film, director Nelson McCormick (whose only previous credit is another remake - 2008’s Prom Night) says “Waiting is a big part of making these films work”.  You’re going to be waiting a long time for me.

A trailer - really a promo reel - for the much anticipated The Expendables, written and directed by Sylvester Stallone, has been released.  Ok ok, I already see you rolling your eyes.  Why are we anticipating a film written and directed by Sly?  Hasn’t he made a lot of bad movies?  Well, in case you forgot, Stallone was nominated for Best Actor and Best Screenplay for Rocky.  He also did a damn good job with Rocky Balboa.  Sure, he’s had multiple bombs along the way, and he will be the first to laugh at himself in many projects.  So what’s the big fuss over The Expendables?  Well, I can only speak for myself…

True story.  I hated the TV show The A-Team.  I know the series is adored by a lot of people in my generation.  It ran for five seasons and garnered three Emmy nominations.  It turned Mr. T into an icon.  And I actually pity the fool who doesn’t dig Mr. T.  So why did I hate the show?  Because, they never killed people.  Yeah, that’s right.  I can vividly remember being a lad of about 12 years old and being around people who were excited that B. A. Baracus was about to storm the set.  I’d leave the room in indifference because I knew no one was going to die.  Isn’t that a little sick? Yeah probably.  Sorry.

I preferred shows like Magnum P.I. or Airwolf where people were shot, stabbed, electrocuted, and blown up.  And don’t you shake your head at me.  It’s a common caveman, macho sensibility that guys have.  Sure, there were probably some shows that I liked where people didn’t die (did Michael Knight kill people?) but something about The A-Team just didn’t sit well with me.  How the hell do you discharge that amount of bullets and fire and have bad guys stumble out of car wrecks, plane crashes, and explosions covered in soot like a cartoon cat and acting like - at the worst - they’ve just been molested.

Sure, my tastes have matured (right?) and evolved over the years, but I still love a good blood and bullets film.  And over the years, Hollywood forgot how to make good action movies.  We’ve gone from righteous anger to pussified whining, car chases to music videos with wheels, testosterone to no backbone, Bullitt to xXx.  If you’re going to do action, do it all the way.  I love brooding, self-examining action dramas like No Country For Old Men.  But you know what…sometimes, you just have to open up the whole can and go Die Hard or Lethal Weapon on someone’s ass.

Of course, there have always been bad action films along the way, but the past 10-15 years has seen Hollywood become more concerned with being politically correct.  Spielberg is one of my favorite directors, but when he replaced guns with walkie talkies in the E.T. re-release, I almost shit.  What is wrong with us?  I know E.T. isn’t an action film but you get my point.  Hollywood is more concerned with making sure our villains aren’t too nasty or too relevant to today’s headlines.  They also want a hero who looks like he just stepped out of GQ magazine and.  Screw that.  I want my action heroes covered in grease/blood/gasoline and possessing the appearance of a punching bag.  They want a hero who is more concerned with his feelings than taking care of some bastard who needs killing.  No way.  I want my hero, like Ash, to step on the neck of the enemy and go to town with his boomstick without a moment’s hesitation.

And so after Vin Diesel, Reindeer Games, Michael Bay, and the last 17 years of Steven Seagal (yes, Under Siege was his last good movie), it looks like the real action movie is back.  Looks like.

The Expendables stars Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, and many other stars of 80s to early 90s action films that didit right.  Then, it adds in more current stars such as Jason Statham and Steve Austin (yawn).  Add in a dash of kung fu with Jet Li plus some cameos by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis and, boys, we got ourselves a party!  Sure, there is some cheese here but isn’t there always in a good action film?  It looks like Sly is simultaneously paying homage to, making fun of, and reveling in this genre.  This is his way of saying “Yeah we’re old.  Some of us will need wheelchairs soon.  But THIS is how you do it”. The body count should be very high.