We Hate Hollywood

Directed by Chris Weitz
Written by Melissa Rosenberg
Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Rachelle Lefevre, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning
Rated PG-13
Rating - 2 bullet holes

Review by guest author Trent Bush

First, I have to write a disclaimer.  I write this review with some trepidation as I have already had threats about “docking points from my Man Card” from various friends.  But, please understand something- I was one of the biggest anti-Twilight people out there a year ago.  I thought the concept was stupid, vampires immune to the sun were boring, and the whole aspect of a teenager being infatuated with them a horrible cliché of the Goth culture that exists today.  However, when two of my coworkers- both males- recommended I buy this series for my wife because women “dig it”, I took notice.  Now, less than a year later, my wife (not a huge book reader) has bought the series, has read it cover to cover, plus now follows the website and soundtrack.  Why is the relevant in a movie review?  Because when my wife is happy, my life is easier- and taking her to see New Moon made her very happy indeed.

Anyway, for those who have been in a submarine/ traveling to Jupiter/ in a coma/ on sabbatical in Tibet for the past 5 years, the quick summary is that New Moon is based on the 2nd book of a four-part series about a race of super vampires that are invincible and immune to everything including sunlight.  Some are good, some are bad, but none have the inherent desire for world domination that most omnipotent beings possess (proof that the series is written by a woman).  In the first book, the heroine/ teenage outcast, Bella, moves to a rural suburb of Seattle to live with her father.  While there, she meets the family of “good” vampires who don’t feed on humans, falls in love with a century-old vampire in the body of a 17 year-old, and the story chronicles their “forbidden” love.  He craves her blood but loves her, she knows the danger but loves him, yada yada they’re a couple.  In case you haven’t figured it out, the series can be found in the “Teen Angst Fiction” department in your local bookstore.

The plot of New Moon is essentially that the vampire boyfriend, Edward, leaves our heroine Bella at the beginning of the movie after one of his “brothers” decides that she’ll be a tasty snack.  Of course, in true tragedy form, he doesn’t tell her he’s leaving to protect her, but instead he just dumps her in the hopes that she’ll go back to a normal life.  FYI- the High School English class is studying “Romeo and Juliet” at the beginning of the movie.  Is it foreshadowing when it’s blatantly obvious?  You decide.  Anyway, the film follows Bella’s struggle to cope with this rejection and how a young Native American friend of the family suddenly makes a play to become the next man in her life… until he turns out to be a werewolf.  Plot tie-ins come in from prior books, but not so many that people who haven’t read the series will be lost.  The end of the movie involves a confrontation with the vampire ruling class and some setting up of plot points for the next in the series.

The biggest thing to realize is that this is more than a movie- it’s a franchise in the same vein as Star Wars and the Indiana Jones series.  If you buy into the mythology, you will love this movie.  If you don’t, you won’t.  It’s as simple as that.  For fans of the books, it’s an easy movie to buy into.  It truly does a great job of putting Stephanie Meyer’s vision on the screen in a live-action film.  If you’re not a fan of the books the movie is still likeable and entertaining, but can be a little hard to follow as there are parts of the back-story that didn’t make the cut- as is often the case when a book goes to the big screen.

With that said, New Moon is an entertaining way to spend 2 hours while maintaining its metaphors for being a teenager as well as throwing in references to the classics.  The screenplay was written by Melissa Rosenberg whose credits include the teen shows “The O.C.” and “Party of Five” plus most recently has been a writer/ producer for “Dexter”.  Her screenplay touches on the hot buttons for most teenagers while skipping some of the more tedious aspects of the story.  Because of this fact, this is actually one of those cases where I would recommend the movie over the book simply because it shortens many of the lengthy plot points in the book that drag on forever.  “Gee’, she’s going to die because he left her.  Just like the last 5 chapters… great…”

The special effects are ok but not overly impressive, and the acting by the crew isn’t going to win any Academy Awards.  However, the unsung hero of this film is the soundtrack.  The music blends into the scenes of the film without being noticed and does a good job of highlighting the mood the scene is going for.  But overall it’s enjoyable and definitely worth the matinee admission.  Hardcore fans of the series will likely give this a “Golden Gun” rating as the film is pretty much what ever fan would like.  For the rest of humanity who might walk in after seeing the first film- I’d say it’s a 2 bullet hole movie.  Good for a movie based upon a teen fiction series but not a heavyweight in the pantheon of film making.

Keep in mind this is Big Hollywood’s first foray into the “Twilight” series.  The last film was done on a low, shoestring budget due to Hollywood not thinking the series had any potential- plus I’m sure they didn’t want to take valuable resources away from such movie epics as Land of the Lost and 2012.  Because of that there is still a slight “indie” aspect to New Moon which is one of the reasons it works.  It’ll be interesting to see if Hollywood keeps the next film Eclipse as pure as the first two movies have been.  Given the fact that the Hollywood exec’s have already fired Twilight veteran Rachelle Lafevre for the better known Bryce Dallas-Howard, I am not optimistic.

Directed by Walt Becker
Written by David Diamond and David Weissman
Starring John Travolta, Robin Williams, Kelly Preston, Seth Green, Ella Bleu Travolta, Lori Loughlin, Matt Dillon
Release Date - Nov 25, 2009

Just in time for Thanksgiving comes this turd.  Seriously, how can anyone watch the trailer for this and not want to projectile vomit?  And for those who defend it saying “It’s just a fun family movie”, uh…so what?  For one thing, it won’t be fun.  I promise you.  Also, there are plenty of other good family films to watch instead.  Stay home and watch Up on DVD.  If you go see Old Dogs,  you’re going to leave feeling depressed, robbed, sad, ashamed, and possibly homicidal.

Written and directed by John Lee Hancock
Starring Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates, Quinton Aaron, Lily Collins, Jae Head
Rated PG-13 for some profanity including racial slurs and mild violence
Rating - 1 bullet hole

Based on a true story, The Blind Side shows us how Leigh Anne and Sean Touhy (Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw) came to befriend and accept Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron) into their Memphis home.  We also get to see Oher’s athletic abilities take root as he joins a football team and rises to greatness.  A story like this lends itself to sappy melodrama and formulaic storytelling especially since Oher is black, and the Touhy’s are an affluent white family.  Thankfully, the film transcends most of these pitfalls.

I hear people sometimes praise a movie just because it’s based on a great true story.  When it comes to film, that’s not enough.  A good story doesn’t always translate to good drama.  For instance, Hunter Campbell “Patch” Adams is a fascinating man.  But the 1998 film Patch Adams was trite, annoying, humorless, and dull.  I’d rather just read a book about the man than watch that waste of time again.

Alternatively, The Blind Side introduces us to engaging and likable characters.  Sandra Bullock’s performance as Leigh Anne Touhy is pitch-perfect.  She is sassy and fiery.  She fights for her family like a lioness.  But, she is also overflowing with kindness, love, and Southern charm.  Sandra Bullock is far more gifted at drama than comedy as evidenced here and in 2004’s Crash.  Tim McGraw is surprisingly effective as her husband.  He is a very successful but pragmatic, and generous man, dedicated to his family.  His strength of character doesn’t come across as forced in the slightest.  And before you argue that he doesn’t know how to act and is just playing himself, go watch Friday Night Lights again.  Quinton Aaron does an adequate job as Oher.  The film doesn’t belittle or stereotype him, yet it’s not a wow performance.  He definitely is playing second-fiddle to Bullock.

I also liked how the film treats Christianity with overt respect.  Whether or not you are a Christian, you have to admit that we live in a world where many people are cynical and mistrusting of Christianity.  I’m not talking about the religion or politics of Christianity but the tenets that make up the faith.  The Touhy’s children go to Wingate Christian School.  When the football coach is impressed by Big Mike, he implores the school board to let him play, but they balk at the idea because of Mike’s poor grades.  The coach (Ray McKinnon), exasperated, says “Last I checked, our sign had the word ‘Christian’ on it. We either take that seriously or we paint over it.”  A lot of Christians need to hear that message.

I mentioned that the film transcends most of the pitfalls of a story like this.  But not all of them.  In Oher’s first game, he is taunted by a redneck on the opposing team with such energy and over the top bullying that it becomes embarrassing to watch.  He does all of this while his dad in the stands hoots and hollers like he just came from a Klan meeting.  The only thing that saves the scene is Leigh Anne’s excruciatingly funny response to him.

In another scene, Oher returns to his home in the projects to get some clothes and falls in with “the old crowd” of usual gangsters.  The scene is awkward and comes across as a watered down hodgepodge of better scenes from Boyz n the Hood, Menace II Society, and New Jack City.  I’m sure this is blasphemous, but I also got tired of Jae Head’s performance as the Tuohy’s son S.J.  He’s a likable kid I guess.  I’m sure some of the things in the film with him happened in real life, but his relationship with Oher rings false at times.  It’s dripping with that nauseating cutesiness that you’d expect to find in a tepid Hallmark TV movie.

All in all, I applaud what director John Lee Hancock has done here.  He’s taken the sports drama cliché and brought some true originality and depth to it.  He did the same thing with 2002’s The Rookie.  If you’re not a sports fan, that doesn’t mean you have to run away.  How many people loved Hoosiers yet don’t watch basketball or even understand it?  As Roger Ebert once said, it’s not what a movie is about that makes it good but how it’s about it.

I love Benecio Del Toro.  He’s simply one of the best actors working today.  I’m also a big fan of werewolves (there aren’t many in Texas however).  They’re my favorite monster movie fodder, yet they rarely appear in really good movies (no, I’m not and never will be a Twilight fan).  So you’d think I was excited about 2010’s The Wolfman.  I can’t put my finger on it, but something about the trailer gave me serious reservations.  Today, Variety reported that emergency editors Mark Goldblatt and Walter Murch have been brought in to fix the movie after Universal viewed a cut and crapped their pants.

The best coverage of this story and the long debacle that is The Wolfman is covered thoroughly by Matt Holmes over at Obsessed With Film.  Give his story a read.  It’s a great look at a serious breakdown in the Hollywood Factory.

Directed by Lee Daniels
Written by Geoffrey Fletcher
Starring Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe, Paula Patton, Mo’Nique, Mariah Carey, Sherri Shepherd, Lenny Kravitz
Rated R for violence, pervasive profanity, scenes depicting sexual and physical abuse of a minor
Rating - Golden Gun

Clareece ‘Precious’ Jones is a 16-year-old illiterate girl growing up in 1987 Harlem.  She is obese.  Her clothes don’t fit.  She is pregnant with her second child from her own father, having been raped for most of her life.  Her first child has Down’s Syndrome.  Her father is now out of the picture, but her mother Mary (Mo’Nique) physically and verbally abuses her.  Constantly.  People make fun of her and literally push her down.  She has been stripped of her innocence, a punching bag her entire life.  Ready to buy your ticket?

Precious is brutal, raw, vulgar, unflinching, unrelenting, overwhelming, indelibly disturbing, heart-wrenching, and emotionally exhausting.  When I began hearing and reading about this film, I wondered “How in the hell can this be an uplifting story?”  It is.

The film is not based on a true story but on the novel “Push” by Sapphire.  In fact, the official title of the film is Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire which really pisses me off.  It is an embarrassingly misguided and bloated title mired in the muck of marketing and promotions.  Why not go the full distance and title it Precious:  Directed by Lee Daniels, Written by Geoffrey Fletcher, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire, and Starring Gabourey “Gabby” Sidibe, Mo’Nique, Mariah Carey, and Holy Shit! Lenny Kravitz! But I digress.

I’ve read some criticisms of the film as heaping too much abuse on its protagonist.  These people are so missing the point.  The film may not be based on a true story, but it feels like reality.  Sadly, we know there are girls out there suffering like this.  More importantly, from a story-telling standpoint, all of Precious’ problems are connected.  She isn’t the victim of a random string of Job-like predicaments that plague Larry Gopnick in A Serious Man.  As a victim of incessant incestuous sexual abuse, why is it hard to believe that a young girl would fall into obesity, problems at school, and have babies with birth defects?  There are other problems that come later I won’t get into that are also directly tied to the sexual abuse.  Sexual abuse is like a bombshell, its fragments piercing many areas of the victim’s life.

One method that I really admire in Daniels’ direction is the use of dream sequences.  As Precious begins to go through a traumatic event, we are transported into one of her fantasies as she sings, dances, models, and goes on dates.  It is an effective way of communicating the heart cries of a broken girl but also a smart technique in keeping the audience from living through every wicked detail of the abuse.  Don’t get me wrong; the film is still quite graphic.

This is Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe’s first film.  In real life, this 26-year-old is a bubbly, joyful, and energetic woman secure with her body.  But her performance as Precious is breath-taking as she channels such extreme depths of sadness and misery.  For an illiterate 16-year-old, I like how Precious observes people around her.  In one moment of levity, she listens to two adults and narrates the scene with “They talk like people in TV shows that I don’t watch.”

Mo’Nique turns in an astounding performance that is difficult to watch but sure to earn her an Oscar nomination.  How a comedienne is able to pull this character out of her is simultaneously bewildering and admirable.  Mary is a monster.  She is a seething cauldron of hate and sheer, unbridled rage which explodes frequently in bursts of profanity and physical beatings.  Towards the end of the film, Mary sits with Precious and a social worker and talks about why she hates Precious.  As she talks and sobs, a sliver of humanity begins to shine through the cracks.  She is a truly complex character; the product of great drama.

How is hope attainable in all of this?  After a particularly ferocious fight with her mom, Precious stumbles out of their apartment and into the cold, unforgiving, snow-blown concrete jungle of Harlem.  She lumbers along carrying her newborn son.  She finally comes to a stop in front of a church, standing under a neon cross.  It is an unforgettable image.  But what’s fascinating is her shot at redemption doesn’t come from the church.  It comes, as it so often does, from other angels in her life.

Lenny Kravitz plays a nurse who takes care of Precious when she has her baby.  He is sympathetic to her and at one point, he leans forward and gently kisses her on the forehead.  The camera lingers for a moment, aware of the significance of this event as it is quite possible this is the first time anyone has ever shown true affection for her.  Mariah Carey is also effective (and unrecognizable) as a social worker named Mrs. Weiss who Precious begins seeing in an attempt to get welfare checks.  But, Mrs. Weiss is not just another calloused government worker jaded by the burden of her position.  She has a genuine love for Precious and her situation.  When Precious whines “You don’t even like me”, an exasperated Mrs. Weiss responds “Have we not been in this room together for like, a year discussing your life? ”

But perhaps the most important influence on Precious’ life comes from Ms. Rain (Paula Patton), the teacher from an alternative school that Precious begins attending when she is kicked out of her public school.  Ms. Rain is beautiful, fierce, and compassionate.  And she challenges her students.  It’s through Ms. Rain that Precious begins to see the cathartic power of writing and the potential that lies within her.  When Precious is dealt another blow in her life, she breaks down and begins to sob in class.  Ms. Rain, who has showered Precious with abundant quantities of kindness and love, gets in her face and tells her to write.  How this scene plays out will have you fumbling for the very last tissue in your box.

Precious is a staggering example of the power of art.  It had a profound effect on me.  Can you imagine how it will affect young women who are going through unimaginable pain?  What a message for them…that amidst all of the anguish, the heartache, and the gut-wrenching agony of life, there is hope in the people all around us if we just look in the right places.  That isn’t a naive, melodramatic, and Disney-like bullshit view of life.  It’s a very real message of hope that Sapphire captures in her novel: “I’m gonna break through, I’m gonna learn, catch up, be normal, change my seat to the front of the class”.

Written and directed by Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck
Starring Algenis Pérez Soto, Rayniel Rufino, Andre Holland, Michael Gaston, Jaime Tirelli, José Rijo, Ann Whitney, Richard Bull, Ellary Porterfield, Alina Vargas, Kelvin Leonardo Garcìa, Joendy Peña
Rated R for profanity and a brief sexual scene

Hidden Gem by guest author Eddie Chinn

Bottom of the ninth. Two outs. 3 balls, 2 strikes. It’s Game 6 of the World Series in the new Yankee Stadium, and the Yankees are leading Philadelphia 7-3. The ball is stroked to second base where Robinson Cano fires the ball into Mark Texiera’s glove. The New York Yankees win their 27th World Championship.

Virtually every man who loved baseball as a little boy fantasized about wearing the pinstripes and playing in the Series. They imagined themselves under the lights at Yankee Stadium with the thundering crowd in the background chanting their name.

This was also the dream of a young Dominican Republic pitching sensation named Miguel Santos (Algenis Perez Soto). He was one of several gifted players attending the Kansas City Knights’ baseball academy nestled near Santos’ village home. They all had grand visions of making it to the States and experiencing the riches of playing at Yankee Stadium and driving Cadillacs. His pride and ego accompany him like a player’s agent on draft day.

His nickname is Sugar. He says it represents his sweetness with the ladies while others say it’s his inability to turn down sweets. It also describes his devastating knuckle-curve ball which eventually becomes his ticket out of the comforts of the Dominican Republic and into the terrifying strangeness of the “Third World” country that is the United States of America.

Sugar is written and directed by Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck (Half Nelson) and has the feel of a baseball documentary. Knowing that this is a story detailing the journey of a young athlete from an undeveloped country to the Promised Land, one would enter the theater expecting a formulaic, rags-to-riches baseball story culminating with the championship game.

And, that would be where you’re wrong.

I have read several reviews that make the point that this movie is not about baseball. While I tend to agree with that perspective, the sport’s role as a supporting actor is brilliant. There are the typical factors such as taking illegal drugs, attention from fans, and player brawls that keep the film honest, but getting a glimpse of how the sports is viewed outside the US is captivating.

In Miguel’s case, baseball initially makes his decision for him on what to do with his life. His gifts land him the opportunity he’s been waiting for as KC signs him to a minor league contract. He is sent to play for the Iowa Swing, the Knights’ A farm club. He struggles with the culture and the demands of professional baseball, and the common denominator is his hosting family, the Higgins. Their strict rules, faith, and their church-loving granddaughter bring confusion to Sugar in the midst of him pursuing his “calling.”

While recuperating from an injury after covering first base, Sugar begins to see a side of the game that isn’t all that glamorous. He watches his best friend and mentor, Jorge, get cut from the team due to his age and slow rehabilitation from a knee injury. Then, another D.R. phenom arrives on the scene and begins grabbing all the attention. He then begins to falter on the mound upon his return from his injury, and his dream begins to fade while feeling isolated and vulnerable.

Soon afterward, Sugar walks to the bus heading out on a road trip and remembers leaving something in the clubhouse. It is at this point that the movie takes a turn that you don’t see coming.

If you love baseball and/or human interest stories, then you will become fixated on this film. I also found it intriguing that, while this movie doesn’t follow the typical Hollywood blueprint, it pays respect to those baseball movies from years past. It’s a movie about an immature pitcher who gets caught up in the glamor, yet there’s no Crash Davis. He plays for a team called the Knights, but his manager does not wish he was a farmer. Life takes him to the corn fields of Iowa, but it certainly isn’t heaven.

As his Uncle Frank said early in Sugar’s quest, “Life gives you many opportunities, baseball only gives you one.”

For Miguel Santos, he’s fine with either as long as one takes him to New York.

Ok so this falls more under the realm of TV but is still an astonishing example of a TV series born from a film that is actually a very compelling idea.  The series would be written and produce by Gil Grant (24; NCIS: Los Angeles), based on the 1997 film directed by Andrew Niccol.  Read the article from MTV which includes several comments from Grant.

If you haven’t seen the film, you must check it out.  It is a fascinating science fiction drama starring Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman and Jude Law about a future society in which liberal eugenics are a way of life.  It is tense, haunting, and very unique.

Directed by Roland Emmerich
Written by Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser
Starring John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Thandie Newton, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson
Release Date - Nov 13, 2009

My God, how stupid are we?  Do you really know how many times the end of the world has been predicted?  Billboards for 2012 solemnly proclaim “The Mayans warned us”.  Bullshit.  Ann Martin, a doctoral candidate in Cornell’s department of astronomy, explains that “the Mayan calendar was designed to be cyclical, so the fact that the long count comes to an end in December 2012 is really of no consequence.  Simply, it is the end of a great calendar cycle in Mayan society, much like our modern society celebrated the new Millennium”.  She concludes that there is “no evidence to suggest that the Mayans - or anyone for that matter - has knowledge for the world’s demise”.

So, all of you conspiracy mongers who dwell in the darkness of your parent’s basement shoveling Pringles into your mouth hole, shut the hell up.

There is also a great show running on Discovery right now called “Apocalypse 2012″ which explores all of the scientific data.  It would drive people to suicide if it were true.  But, at the end, all of the experts agree that the chances of these cataclysmic events happening in 2012 are extremely remote.  In fact, the chance of them happening then are the same as them happening…anytime.  The chances are higher of Paris Hilton becoming a respectable actress.

Oh, Paul, we’re not supposed to take it that seriously.  It’s just a disaster movie.

Fine.  Let’s leave all of that smoke and mirrors behind and focus on the film itself.  How many damn times are we going to watch Roland Emmerich destroy the world?  This will be the 4th time (okay so Godzilla only destroyed NYC) that we’ve watched the same landmarks and cities obliterated over and over and over.  And yet we continue to flock to the multiplex like a bunch of drooling, incontinent mental patients eating it all up with a spoon.

But, Paul, it’s an action movie.  You don’t look for a good story in those.

Oh really?  Ever hear of a little movie called Terminator 2?  Seems like that had a bit of an apocalyptic theme to it as well.  There are plenty of action movies with good stories and memorable characters.

Are we really starving this bad for entertainment?  This movie looks unbelievably stupid, shallow, and pointless.  We’re paying to have our intelligence insulted.  I like to watch shit blowing up too but come on.

Whoever created the below video nailed it.  This is how I feel now watching these movies.

Written and directed by Richard Kelly
Starring Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, James Rebhorn, Gillian Jacobs, Holmes Osborne
Rated R for violence, profanity, disturbing images
Rating - 3 bullet holes

I am a huge fan of Donnie Darko.  When I first saw the film, I was struck with how well it was constructed.  It was well written, well directed, complex, and extraordinarily unique.  This was quite a feat for the 25-year-old first time writer/director Richard Kelly.  Until then, he’d only done a couple of short films.  Darko went on to win 11 small awards including the Saturn Award (an award that has been presented annually since 1972 honoring work in science fiction, fantasy, and horror ).  Then Kelly bombed critically and commercially with his 2007 follow-up film Southland Tales which I didn’t see.  So has this Newport News, VA native redeemed himself with The Box?  Hardly.

It’s 1976.  Norma (Diaz) and Arthur (Marsden) Lewis are awakened at 5:45am in their Richmond, VA home by a knock at the front door.  Norma answers it to find a plainly wrapped box.  The man who left it is driving away in a black car.  Inside the box is…another box.  A simple black wooden box with a glass dome on top.  Under the dome is a mysterious red button.  There is also a key for the box and a note saying that Mr. Steward will come at 5pm.  Kind of an odd way to start your day.

Arthur starts his day by going to NASA where he works in optics having contributed to the Viking Mars probe.  Norma is an English teacher, and she is discussing Jean-Paul Sartre’s vision of hell.  One of her students who looks and acts like a total asshole asks her why she limps.  Norma is embarrassed.  The asshole continues to sneer at her asking her why she’s embarrassed.  What follows next is supposed to be taken seriously but I almost laughed out loud at how ludicrous it played out.  Norma, apparently emboldened by his challenge, doesn’t just answer him.  She shows him.  She pulls off her boot and stocking to show a left foot so severely deformed that it would most likely send students running from the room not to mention some awkward parent-teacher meetings that would surely follow.  The foot is missing all of its toes except for the pinky toe which protrudes like a grisly claw.   The student is delighted by it and almost seems turned on.  The scene made me want to take a shower and doesn’t seem necessary.  Was there not a better way to reveal the problem with her foot?  For instance, a scene in which it’s revealed why she can’t play kickball.

Norma returns home, and Mr. Steward (Langella) arrives.  He is also severely deformed.  Half of his face is burned away and scarred over.  How would you react if you received a strange button-box and then a guy who looks like he fell asleep on his hot plate shows up to explain it to you?  Norma obviously can identify with him and invites him in.  Mr. Steward calmly explains to her what the box does.  If you push the button, someone you don’t even know somewhere in the world will die.  Then, you will receive one million dollars.  That’s it.  Norma doesn’t believe him.  Mr. Steward assures her this is very real but that he can’t disclose any other details.

Of course, there would be no movie unless the button is pushed.  The movie is not about that.  It’s about the consequences of making that decision.  It’s also about the Mars lander, lots of people having nosebleeds, a strange cult that lives in a seedy motel, water portals, eternal damnation, salvation, total strangers giving you hand signals, mysterious messages carved into windshields, babysitters with a questionable past, and a sinister Santa Claus.  What does it all mean?  Hell if I know.

The Box is utterly ridiculous, improbable, and excessive.  One might say the same thing about Donnie Darko.  That is a mind-bender of a film too.  In fact, when the credits came up after my first viewing I wasn’t even sure what I’d just seen, but I knew that I loved it.  It was confusing, but not completely off the reservation.  One could understand enough of the plot to want to watch it again and understand more.  What matters most however is that it was so damn compelling and contained some memorable characters (including the late Patrick Swayze as a motivational speaker and closet pedophile).

Norma and Arthur are not memorable characters.  In fact, they came across as pretty damn dull to me.  The script is clunky too with some truly bewildering dialogue.  I don’t understand the plot, but I don’t care to understand it.  The film just doesn’t pull me in.  In fact, there are several scenes which are not intended to be funny, yet I was struggling to keep in the laughter.  They are so absurd and so heavy-handed, I couldn’t help it.  The only saving grace is an effective and creepy performance by Langella.

The Box is based on the 1970 short story “Button, Button” by Richard Matheson.  I haven’t read the story, but I imagine it makes a hell of a lot more sense than this misfire.  I’m sure Richard Kelly is a nice guy.  I’d like to meet him (though that seems unlikely after this review).  He pushed all of the right buttons with Donnie Darko but, unfortunately, all of the wrong ones here.  I admire his ability to think outside of the box with his films, but he pretty much annihilated this Box.

Written and directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi
Starring Milla Jovovich, Elias Koteas, Will Patton
Release Date - Nov 05, 2009

I knew we were in trouble when at the beginning of the trailer for this film, Milla Jovovich approaches the camera and announces “I am the actress Milla Jovovich, and I will be portraying Dr. Abigail Tyler.  This film is a dramatization of events that occurred October 2000.  Every scene in this movie is supported by archived footage.  Some of what you are about to see is extremely disturbing”.  Horseshit.  Every scene is supported by archival footage?  There is archival footage of an owl stalking people?  Also, if you have to actually tell us that every scene is “extremely disturbing”, that means it isn’t.  What you’ve done is edited the trailer in a way to make it look scary.  It’s like when someone comes up to you and says “I have a funny story for you.  This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.  For real.  Ready?”  It’s never the funniest story.

I also knew this film was doomed when a couple of days ago, TV spots began flooding prime-time with 3 critical raves of the film in the spot…all from Larry King.  Seriously?  That’s all you could get?  Larry King who never met a movie he didn’t like?

I already had my ammo.  Then today, I read Roger Ebert’s review of the film.  You have to read this.  I love it when the master hates a movie.  This is deliciously savage.  Here are the highlights:

• “It was with crushing disappointment that my research discovered this is all made up out of whole cloth, including the real Abigail.” - WTF?
• There have been many disappearances in Nome, Alaska, but most of them have been linked to drunk bastards dying of exposure.
• “Why would any real psychologist release confidential videotapes to a horror film, especially tapes showing her clients having seizures?”  Think, people, think.
• Remove all of these elements, and the movie still sucks.