We Hate Hollywood

This is going to be a new weekly blog feature in which I just do a very quick roundup of news of the week focusing on stories that, to me, are perfect examples of the shallowness and idiocy of Hollywood. I will end these Random Shots with a look or two at something positive about the film industry (not necessarily Hollywood).

• In light of Megan Fox’s exit from Transformers 3, Heidi Montag submits her own video audition online to fill her shoes. The video is just a showcase of her firearms skills. More proof that she is one of the dumbest women in the world.  Not to mention, Michael Bay is already wooing Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley to replace Fox.  There are so many things wrong with this story, I don’t know where to begin.
• The Playstation 3 game “Heavy Rain” is being made into a movie.  Does Hollywood even recognize the irony here?  This is a game that already looks and feels very much like a movie…and is being turned into a movie.  It takes “out of ideas” to a whole new level.
• Drew Barrymore is rumored to be directing the Wizard of Oz sequel Surrendor Dorothy.  Wait…they’re doing a sequel to Wizard of Oz?  Is there any corner of cinema that is sacred?
• A Jackie Brown prequel is being made…without Tarantino.  Everyone say “WTF?” with me.
• The Footloose remake may have found its star. There are a ton of 80s films being remade which are near and dear to the hearts of many people.  The Karate Kid is shamefully in theaters now.  Upcoming remakes include Red Dawn, Short Circuit, and The Breakfast Club.  There are probably others I’m overlooking.  I know I rail against remakes, but the phenomenon really is getting worse.  It’s no wonder that much better independent films are having such a hard time getting made when Hollywood keeps churning this shit out, and people continue eating them up with a spoon.
• Speaking of independent film…one awesome bit of news this week is that Bruce Willis has landed a role in Rian Johnson’s Looper.  Rian Johnson is pretty new to the scene.  Looper will only be his third film after 2005’s Brick and 2008’s The Brothers Bloom.  Brick (a great movie well worth checking out) won Johnson multiple independent film awards…his first movie!  That is quite a feat.  I wasn’t as big a fan of The Brothers Bloom, but it’s obvious from watching his films that he has a firm command of the camera and a very real and bubbling passion for film.  He’s doing science fiction for his third film, and I’m really hoping he knocks it out of the park.

Directed by Kevin Macdonald
Based on the book by Joe Simpson
Starring Brendan Mackey, Nicholas Aaron, Joe Simpson, Simon Yates
Rated R

Have you ever wondered how you would react if you shattered your leg at 20,000 feet on the face of a deadly mountain and then fell 130 feet into an icy crevasse and were left for dead – and without food or water — by your climbing partner? Joe Simpson never did until it happened to him in 1985 on the west face of Siula Grande in the Peruvian Andes.  He found himself at the bottom of this crevasse when his climbing partner Simon Yates, thinking Simpson was dead, cut the rope tethering them together.  Oscar winning director Kevin Macdonald (One Day In September) tells this harrowing and unforgettable story of survival with a running narration by the true life Joe Simpson and Simon Yates as well as dramatic re-enactments actually filmed on Siula Grande.

In fact, the dramatic re-enactments are a big part of what make this film so great.  They are not the kind of cheesy recreations that you would see on cheap basic cable midnight programs.  These are superbly filmed sequences that place you smack dab in the middle of danger.  You can feel the cold slowing your blood, the ice shrinking your skin, and the mountain reaching out to claim your life.

After the film, stay for the extra features.  A 22 minute making-of feature examines the crew’s journey to Peru and the challenges they faced in shooting a movie in the Andes with frozen hands. Another feature of about the same length, ”Return to Siula Grande”, is a video diary which follows Simpson and Yates as they return for the first time to Siula Grande along with Macdonald and the crew. You can sense a nervous anticipation in both men, especially Simpson who is visibly uncomfortable visiting this rocky behemoth that almost killed him. It seems a given that the men would be lifelong friends. But oddly, you discover that they barely even talked to each other after their salvation until they reunited for the film’s production. It’s nothing personal. In fact, Simpson vehemently defends Yates who unfairly took a beating in the mountain climbing community for his actions on that fateful climb. Also check out the feature “What Happened Next” which goes beyond the final moments of the film examining the events which occurred immediately after Simpson’s ordeal.

Directed by Ridley Scott
Written by Ethan Reiff, Cyrus Voris, Brian Helgeland, Paul Webb, Tom Stoppard
Starring Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, William Hurt, Matthew Macfadyen, Mark Strong, Oscar Isaac, Lea Seydoux, Scott Grimes, Kevin Durand, Alan Doyle, Danny Huston, Max von Sydow
Release Date - May 14, 2010

I refuse to see this dumbass movie.  Too strong?

The first Robin Hood film was in 1909 by director Percy Stow.  Obviously, it was a silent film.  Since then, Robin Hood has appeared in or been the center of over 50 films.  If you don’t believe me, check out this list from the University of Rochester.  Of course, if you’re just talking about major big screen adaptations, the list is around 6 or 7.  Regardless, what is the point of another Gladiator…errr Robin Hood film?

Ridley Scott is a terrific director.  Russell Crowe is one of the best actors working today.  I’ve loved their previous collaborations.  But, this film looks dull, derivative, and exceedingly pointless.  It is also a shameless ploy to get us to spend huge money at what is surely a giant waste of time.  Movies are made on purpose this way.  “Ooooo!  Ridley Scott!!  Russell Crowe!!  Fighting!  I’m in!!”  Duuuuuuueeeeeerrrrrrh.  Don’t fall for it.

Directed by Sanaa Hamri
Written by Michael Elliot
Starring Queen Latifah, Common, Paula Patton, Phylicia Rashad, Pam Grier, James Pickens Jr, Mehcad Brooks, Michael Landes, Dwyane Wade, Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Bobby Simmons
Release Date - May 14, 2010

Just Wright is suffering the same fate as Letters to Juliet.  If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ve seen the film.  Even if you haven’t seen the trailer, you’ve already seen the film in those previous 173 romantic comedies you’ve seen.  This movie doesn’t even look funny.  You’d be more entertained by having fire a basketball from a cannon at your face.  Has Queen Latifah made more than…maybe two good movies?

Directed by Gary Winick
Written by Jose Rivera and Tim Sullivan
Starring Amanda Seyfried, Christopher Egan, Gael Garcia Bernal, Vanessa Redgrave, Franco Nero
Release Date - May 14, 2010

Yet another trailer in which the entire film is shown in 2 1/2 minutes.  This is a fate that is visited with much frequency upon romantic comedies.  Perhaps, that is because 99% of them have identical plots.  If anyone asks me if I’ve seen this film, I will reply “yes” with complete confidence.  Pathetic.  Gary Winick previously directed Bride Wars.  Prepare to vomit.

Directed by Jon Favreau
Written by Justin Theroux
Starring Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Jon Favreau, Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Garry Shandling, John Slattery, Kate Mara, Clark Gregg, Olivia Munn
Rated PG-13 for violence
Rating - 1 bullet hole

Like the Christopher Nolan-directed Batman franchise, the Iron Man franchise is ideal for people who don’t normally care for the superhero genre.  Sure they have special effects, flashy characters, and a damsel in distress but they transcend the genre with smart dialogue, sophisticated themes, and plots that don’t insult our intelligence.

Also like Batman, the hero at the center of Iron Man does not possess super powers.  It is through his weakness and brush with death, that he becomes equipped with a new set of ideals and morals that enable him to stand up to evil.  It also helps that he is rich as hell.  Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr) is back as the charismatic and flamboyant weapons industrialist with an ego the size of Kansas.  Unlike other superheros, Stark has revealed to the world (in the first film) that he is the face behind the mask.  He doesn’t exactly shy away from the attention.  As he puts it, he has” successfully privatized world peace”.  No one can stand up to him.  Enter Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke).

Vanko has a score to settle with the Stark family that goes back a generation.  And Mickey Rourke rocks this performance.  He possesses a menace that I thought was severely lacking with Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) in the original film.  He represents a very real danger to Stark.  His first meeting with Stark at the Monaco Grand Prix is truly momentous.  It is a well shot scene and presents the first “Oh shit” moment in Stark’s life since he revealed he was Iron Man.  But, it is this struggle between Stark and Vanko that ultimately is a letdown.  They only meet two other times in the film and only one of those times is to fight.  And that fight is so short, I felt ripped off.

Stark has another serious challenge in his life as he has come to the startling realization that the very power core he had to create for his heart and which powers the suit is also poisoning him.  In most superhero sequels, the protagonist has to take on multiple villains.  I like how this film uniquely turns the hero’s own body into a villain.  Speaking of villains, one of the reasons to see this film is for Sam Rockwell’s performance as the slimy, backstabbing Justin Hammer, Stark’s main competitor who takes an interest in Vanko.

I think Gwenyth Paltrow is…ok here.  But, it’s not really her fault so much as Justin Theroux’s script and ultimately Favreau as the director.  I liked the chemistry she had with Downey in the first film, but she is kind of shoved aside her to make room for Scarlett Johansson’s Natalie Rushman.  There is a lot going on here as Rushman and Nick Fury (Samuel Jackson) take more screen time in their bid to recruit Stark to join their team.  This is all paving the way for Joss Whedon’s Avengers film in 2012.  So far, I think Favreau is capably handling juggling multiple characters.  But quite honestly, I’m not as interested in that storyline as I am in Stark.

Another weakness in the film, I hate to admit, is Don Cheadle.  He replaces Terence Howard as  Lt. Col. Rhodes.  I love Don Cheadle.  But, he seems like a fish out of water here.  He doesn’t seem comfortable with his lines, and he is not convincing as War Machine.

One major bonus to this sequel is that the special effects are much better.  They were admirable in the original film (except for the clunky looking final battle), but they seem much more polished here.  Favreau does a great job of handling action scenes with multiple characters and objects.  One of his greatest strengths is in keeping the action human by frequently showing us the faces inside the suits.

But, ultimately what makes Iron Man so successful is Robert Downey Jr.  He is funny, charming, and carefree as Stark.  He is like Bruce Wayne…if Bruce Wayne really did know how to have a good time instead of using his playboyishness (yes, I know that isn’t a word) as a cover.  But, when it comes time to take out the trash, he is the garbage man you want working on your street.  In fact, he’ll probably have a drink with you when it’s over.

One of the biggest things that bothers me about Hollywood is the lack of originality in the product it continues to churn out.  We are mercilessly pelted with sequels, remakes, and adaptations of comic books, TV shows, and SNL bits.  Never is this more evident than during the summer months.  Of course, I don’t just automatically discount all sequels and remakes.  But, to actually look at what is forthcoming in the upcoming months is very disquieting.

I hear so many people deriding the contempt for mindless summer blockbusters arguing that they just want to enter a movie theater and turn their brain off.  I too, from time to time, enjoy a guilty pleasure.  But really?  Are we so willing to stumble drooling and open-mouthed into a theater that we’ve turned shitty movies into a billion dollar industry?  If you’re so starved for mindless entertainment, go play with your boogers for a while.

As we seek cool solace inside the multiplex this summer, let’s take a look at what will be on the menu:

Iron Man 2
MacGruber (an SNL bit)
Shrek Forever After
Sex and the City 2
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Marmaduke
The A-Team
The Karate Kid
Jonah Hex (comic book adaptation)
Toy Story 3
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
The Last Airbender
Predators
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Dinner for Schmucks (remake of the French film, The Dinner Game)
Step Up 3D
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (comic book adaptation)
Nanny McPhee Returns
Piranha 3D (no, I’m not joking)

Some of these might be good movies (okay maybe two), but I hope you will just take a look at this list and seriously think about it.  If this list gets you excited, then this site is probably not for you.  But, if you’re sick of the same dreck over and over, then I can help.  Below are some other films opening this summer.  Yes, many of them will be hard or impossible to find.  If most of these are not opening near you, at least this list will give you an idea of movies to check out when they are in your area or on video.  I am also going to be resuming my Hidden Gems feature very soon.  My goal is to give you an alternative to the summer onslaught - a slate of movies to check out in the comfort of your own home via Netflix or similar service.

Casino Jack and the United States of Money - May 7 (NY and LA)

Metropia - May 12  (NY; Entire film also available now on YouTube)

180 South: Conquerors of the Useless - May 21 (limited release)

Micmacs - May 28 (NY; LA release: June 4)

Splice - June 4 (wide release) - We’ve seen films proclaiming the perils of cloning, but this looks well done and very creepy.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead - June 11 (limited release) - We’ve seen films proclaiming the perils of cloning, but this looks well done and very creepy.

Winter’s Bone - June 11 (limited release)

Cyrus - June 18 (limited release)

Restrepo - June 25 (limited release)

Inception - June 16 (wide release and in IMAX) - Perhaps no other director is more competent with a “summer blockbuster”. Christopher Nolan’s films make huge money but are mature and thoughtful. This film is surrounded in secrecy. Not much is known about the plot.

Valhalla Rising - June 23 (limited release)

Mao’s Last Dancer - August 6 (wide release)

Down Terrace - August 20 (limited release)